NONFICTION September 10, 2010

As is

by Brian Oliu

1 item found for BRIAN OLIU

AUTHENTIC brian oliu **AS IS** 0 $9.95 11h 22m

Meet the seller
Seller:          beoliu (8)
Feedback:    91.6% Positive
Member:      since Nov-22-82 in United States

Item #45192910201 AUTHENTIC BRIAN OLIU torso **AS IS**

You are bidding on one (1) authentic BRIAN OLIU. The item has some damage or imperfection as noted here, and is sold AS IS.  The item is sold under the impression that it will be used for parts, because the item is beyond repair.  This item DOES NOT WORK and is being sold as NOT WORKING.

From The Manufacturer: There came a point in BRIAN OLIU’s life that he felt he deserved more space in the world.  Those who chose not to gain mass were giving in, giving in to nothing; the air presses against them, creeping up and eating away space in between thighs and underneath chins.  Everyone is allocated a certain amount of characters, and to use any less than the allocated amount would be going against our creator and doing us a disservice.  As a result, everyone wants to touch BRIAN OLIU, to be a part of something so large, if only for a moment.  They wish to wrap their arms around his body.  They want to jump on top of him and ride him like a greased pig.  They punch him in the chest.  They want to feel “safe”.  BRIAN OLIU has never felt safe.  BRIAN OLIU is the freak show, the tilt-a-whirl, the moon bounce, the prize with the button eyes, the funnel cake, the carnival.

The seller acknowledges that the item being sold is defective.  The seller acknowledges outright mistreatment of the item.  The torso currently measures 1.5X2.5X1.5.  At one point, the measurements were much smaller, took up a significantly less amount of space in the world.  The original size of the item, sans defections, is completely uncertain. Bloated like this listing.  The item is *special* because of said defects; said appraisers have told him multiple times since birth and have done so as recently as the future point of sale. BRIAN OLIU is a temple and a gift from God, and the seller has breached this contract.

Shipping: The buyer agrees to pay for shipping, which may or may not cost more than the item itself.  There is nothing passive about the gravitational mass of this item.  The seller’s first grade science fair project, made of foam core (which floats), illustrated how much an average first grader (seller > 60 lbs) would weigh on the various planets in the Milky Way.  This, even today, reminds the seller of chocolate and nougat:  the wrapper picked clean of caramel pus and disposed in a 12-gallon cafeteria trashcan.  The solitary dollar crumpled in item’s pocket since five minutes before the school bus came was FOR LUNCH, and was not used FOR LUNCH.  This is a typical memory for the seller; that of deadlines and diets and sweat pants shopping.  BRIAN OLIU is so fat that when he walks he breaks Three Bridges Elementary School all-purpose room tile.  The seller would dream about the day when he would board a rocket ship, fly to the moon (he weighed the least there), and see a red digital 16.6 blinking back at him.  Jupiter was the seller’s favorite, until he realized he would weigh 253.3 pounds on Jupiter, a horrifying number then, a goal now.  His project would be on display along the walls of the cafeteria for a week, until someone dumped ketchup on his popcorn moon. The seller won honorable mention for his project, beating out countless baking soda volcanoes and slingshots; the reward was an ice cream social.

The average adult human male has approximately five liters of blood in his system at one time.  BRIAN OLIU has almost 50% more than most humans.  One can ascertain that BRIAN OLIU is 50% more alive than everyone else.  One liter of blood weighs approximately one kilogram, or 2.2 pounds.  On days he would get kicked in the stomach in sterile high school hallways, or days he looked in the mirror a little too long, the seller would imagine punching down on the crest of his nose and letting pounds of plasma and tissue gush from his nostrils.  As he felt the gravitational pull to the earth loosen, he would open a bottle of aspirin (with his eyes closed) and take three.  Aspirin helps with circulation.  Other days, it would be the stripping of fat with a piano wire; the makeshift soup skimmer cutting through hardened lipids like NO FOOD METAPHORS hot paperclips through Styrofoam.

Item Defects: In between the sixth and seventh rib lies the item’s heart, which will not be functional at the point of sale.  The result of this is likely to be congestive heart failure (ICD-10: I50.0), occurring because of the inability to produce enough blood to cause the seller to function correctly.  Multiple times a day, the seller will feel as if his heart is about to cease pumping blood, his veins and aortas filling up with air, formulating a carbon dioxide spider.  These moments come and go, and happen often in stale bars with sticky floors and while sitting alone at his desk.  The seller will clutch at his chest, say the first nine words ‘Our Father, who art in heaven, hallow be thy…’ and collapse.  It was so strange one minute he was standing sitting at the bar at his desk and the next second moment he was on the floor floor and he was gone dead.  BRIAN OLIU is so fat that he’s going to contract heart disease and die out of complications from obesity.  The morning after, everyone will gather at his former house, and someone will bring Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins (the official food of mourning), and another person will laugh and say “Brian always said that Munchkins were the official food of mourning,” and there will be some wince-smiles, and people will no longer feel guilty about eating fried dough and powdered sugar in the at the wake of such a tremendous fall.  Well I can’t say I was shocked.


Buyer’s Contract: Upon the winning of the item, the buyer agrees to follow the regulations set by the seller in regards to the usage of parts, as illustrated in the table below:

Heart:  Eight year-old boy with juvenile onset diabetes

Intestines:  48 year-old father of three with Coeliac disease, who just wants to participate in the transubstantiation on Sundays.

Kidneys:  55 year-old first time grandmother with chronic renal failure.

Lungs:  33 year-old prisoner suffering from pneumothorax after taking a plastic spoon shiv to the left pectoral.

Liver:  22 year-old first-round draft choice of the Indianapolis Colts on Injured Reserve because of haemochromatosis.

Pancreas:  24 year-old supermodel with cystic fibrosis

Regrettably, there is some fear by the seller that the usage of parts is not possible; severe obesity renders otherwise good organs useless.  Not only is the torso not aesthetically pleasing, but also the fattened liver and the swollen heart are rendered useless by the seller’s ineptitude and disregard for his product.  In fact, the only plausible use for the parts encased within BRIAN OLIU is as a delicacy.  BRIAN OLIU is so fat that upon his death, people who are going to die in double-digit days are unable to use his slop.

Therefore, upon the conclusion of the bidding, the item is to be desiccated and mummified.  The buyer agrees to cut open the item and begin packing the insides with crystallized sugar.  The buyer then agrees to pour molasses onto the item, filling in pores and stretch marks with high fructose syrup.  The buyer will then use red licorice rope to sew the chest cavity shut, and then spackle the lacerations shut with cake frosting.  BRIAN OLIU will never spoil.

This would be a perfect item for collectors.

Brian Oliu is originally from New Jersey and currently lives in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. His work appears/is forthcoming in Hotel Amerika, Caketrain, WebConjunctions, Ninth Letter, Bat City Review, New Ohio Review, DIAGRAM, Brevity, and others. Great Item. A++++++
Brian Oliu is originally from New Jersey and currently lives in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. His work appears/is forthcoming in Hotel Amerika, Caketrain, WebConjunctions, Ninth Letter, Bat City Review, New Ohio Review, DIAGRAM, Brevity, and others. Great Item. A++++++