LISTS April 8, 2011

Allman Brothers Song Titles That Contain Women’s Names

Jeff Baker

by Jeff Baker

• Jessica

• Sweet Martha

• In Memory of Elizabeth Reed

• Melissa

• Jessica: Melissa and I Were Just Friends, I Swear

• Melissa: I Swear Jessica and I Were Just Friends

• Asthmatic Amy

• Well, Martha WAS Sweet

• Ok It Was Just That One Time with Jessica, but it Didn’t Mean Anything

• Ok It Was Just That One Time with Melissa, but it Didn’t Mean Anything

• OF COURSE It Meant Something, Jessica, I Was Just Saying That

• Melissa, OF COURSE It Meant Something, I Was Just Telling Her That

• Melissa, Take Me Back

• Take Me Back, Jessica

• Sultry Suzanne

• Totally PMS’ing Jessica

• Murderous Melissa

• No, Suzanne Was Not “Sultry” — I Wrote it as “Slutty Suzanne” and There was a Misprint in the Liner Notes.

• Yes, Jessica, I Realize Now that “Slutty Suzanne” is Worse, Not Better, than “Sultry Suzanne.”

• OF COURSE I Never Got it On with Elizabeth Reed — It Was Just a Name I Saw on a Tombstone, for God’s Sakes.

• Just Remembered that After That Gig in Baltimore Elizabeth Reed Did Get on the Bus, but We Just Cuddled, I Swear.

• Melissa, EVERYONE Knows That “Cuddling” Includes Sex.

• Sweet Martha, That Time Elizabeth Reed got on the Bus, I Thought it was You.

• Amy, Yes I Do Realize You are Self-Conscious about Your Asthma and Did Not Like it that I Characterized You as a Congested, Wheezing Good-time Girl, and I Am Sorry.

• Melissa and Jessica: I Never Dreamed that You Two Would Join Forces, and I am Truly Scared.

• Amy, Come Back to me Honey — We Now Have a Vaporizer on the Bus.

• Martha? It’s Gregg. Pick Up. Pick up pick up pick up — I Know You’re There

• Jessica: I Have it on Good Authority that you are a So-Called “Person of Interest” in the Death of Elizabeth Reed, with Whom I Only Cuddled (Non-sexually, I Mean).

• Backstage Betty

• Bertie, I’m Sorry I Thought You Were a Woman and Referred to You as ‘Betty’ in a Song; Even so, Thanks for a Great Night — My God, I’ve Got to Quit Drinking.

Jeff Baker is a native of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. His humor and fiction have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, The Oxford American, The Dallas Review, and a number of alternative newspapers, most of which are now defunct, leading him to believe he is a jinx. He currently lives in Seattle.
Jeff Baker is a native of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. His humor and fiction have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, The Oxford American, The Dallas Review, and a number of alternative newspapers, most of which are now defunct, leading him to believe he is a jinx. He currently lives in Seattle.