Selected Statements Never Uttered by a Liberal Elite Living in San Francisco with His Boyfriend, Confirmed via Text Message

by Brad Johnson

Who do you think the 49ers will start at quarterback this year?

At least you can appreciate Rick Santorum’s honesty.

Living in a city does not make me superior to those that do not.

I got sunburned playing beach volleyball.

I don’t care what people say; The New York Times Book Review missed the point on this one.

I rented a Hummer and drove down to LA for the weekend.

No thanks; I want to stay sober tonight.

You know, Judd Nelson’s post-Breakfast Club work, particularly Suddenly Susan, is remarkably underappreciated.

I would love to babysit for you.

My next car will definitely be a Ford or a Chevy.

Let’s clean this mess.

The best part of Mexico is the Mexicans.

Hetero-normative behavior is not cliché.

I am really interested in what you are saying right now.

I appreciate that your views on this differ from mine; let me consider them.

I am not going: too many hipsters.

The sequel to Transformers was totally superior to the first.

Foucault was wrong.

God, there are so many places welcoming to smokers in twenty-first century America.

I started listening to that band after they became trendy.

I am going to iron this before I go out.

I met this great guy at CPAC this year.

Al Gore should shut up already.

Irony bores me.

I got a great deal on a time-share an hour and a half outside Little Rock.

I’ll pray for you.

He’s too young for me.

Fuck organic.

I brought my running shoes.

The cool thing about Mormonism is you get to have all those wives.

Let me wash my hands first.

John Deere.

Winner of the 2012 Longleaf Press Chapbook Contest, Brad Johnson has published four chapbooks of poetry. His first full-length collection The Happiness Theory is due out from Main Street Rag in the fall of 2013. Work of his has also been accepted by Nimrod, Permafrost, Poet Lore, The South Carolina Review, The Southeast Review, Southern Indiana Review, Willow Springs and others.