American crow (contrarian)

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The American crow is a member of the Corvidae ¹ family. Cosmopolitan², ambitious, and playful³, she is one of the smartest⁴ birds in the world. The American crow is often confused with a rook or raven; the rook has a slight white patch around its beak, and the raven is about twice her size. The crow has a monochrome⁵ appearance down to her feet, with iridescent-tinged feathers. She is not a rook or a raven.

The crow, despite⁶ popular belief, does not collect shiny objects. She does not treat foil gum wrappers like pewter but instead collects butterfly clips and Bonne Bell⁷ keychains. She would rather surround herself with lime green glitter⁸ and Dr. Pepper lip balm than broken CDs. The crow is surprised that this surprises others.

The crow does not have speech but shouts all the same⁹. She is best distinguished by her “caaW!” call. It intones¹⁰, “No. That’s not what I mean.” She seems to never stop¹¹.

The crow remembers everything¹² said to her, like “Amazing—and you figured all that out with a brain the size of a black walnut.” She does not use words like transubstantiation, but she does make¹³ tools that help her eat. She remembers Oscar-winning screenplays better than state capitals and wept over her grandmother’s face in an obituary. She does not have thumbs, but she knows about nutcrackers¹⁴, and Moonstruck¹⁵, and that they could have chosen a better final photo.

She crafts her home¹⁶ with typewriter ribbon and follows the same clematis¹⁷ vine of thoughts: Is there something to gain from not hearing me? If someone saw just this, the bed I’ve made, there’s no way they could mis-know¹⁸ me.

^corporeal
^consuming
^plotting
^smuggest; see also “self-inflation”
^monotonous
^deposing
^bauble
^litter
^time
^insists
^shut up
^examples; see also “exaggerations”
^take
^knick-knacks
^chick flicks
^hovel
^cloying
^misunderstand; see also “caconym”; see also “improper speech”