I.
Age 6: recruitment of neighborhood adolescents to backyard. Terms of employment: one (1) pack Gatorade Gum per twenty (20) minutes active listening to an only child with doctoral-level knowledge of The Brave Little Toaster and propensity for unsolicited song. Result: gum supply depleted. Adolescents at large after 5 minutes. Father sad: “I bought that gum for you.”
II.
Age 9: repackaging of type 1 diabetes diagnosis into blockbuster comedy. Teachers, custodians, and cool girls reassured that pancreas is slaphappy. Needles beheaded and bent into jaunty figurines. Dioramas deployed for Mod Podge-based education in merry, manageable disease. Gratitude expressed in excess. Cheekbones sore from smiling lockjaw at people eating cupcakes. Vegetarianism espoused. Gratitude reaffirmed. Result: cool boys suggest formation of pro-diabetic band called Diabeatles. Violence threatened over assignment of Ringo. Father locates sugar-free jellybeans with “mild laxative effect.” Research required into definition of word “mild.”
III.
Age 14: severe dishonesty before full phalanx of uncool boys regarding the matter of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Request made to Almighty God for assistance in appreciating this film. Request made to Almighty God for forgiveness for feigning appreciation for this film. Permission granted to uncool boys to stab only child repeatedly with Palm Sunday fronds. Result: boy in carpenter dungarees requests permission to hold hand, submitted in writing. Application granted. Prize left unclaimed. Mother special orders sugar-free fondant.
IV.
Age 17: one hundred (100) hours logged in unfinished basement rehearsing Someone To Watch Over Me for “Select Choir” audition. Vibrato waxed to sheen while circling HVAC unit, sleeve of hypoglycemia tablets in fist. Gerbils misplaced in 1993 identified, alive. Aggressive salad campaign launched in anticipation of red choir dress. Result: selected as alto cherub, not soprano seraph. Choir director praises vibrato as “very Snow White.” Red satin facilitates counting ribs. All are present. Endocrinologist requires signed affidavit pledging discontinuation of weight loss. Father cries at lyric, “I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood.”
V.
Age 22: matriculation in divinity school for indeterminate mission. Magic 8 Ball reply is hazy, ask again later. Rapid infatuation with professors, provosts, and delegates to Council of Nicaea. Regularly scheduled requests to Almighty God to “use me.” Acquisition of languages last spoken in Galilee. Procurement of cheese product for covered dish suppers, Pentecostal and Presbyterian. Composition of sermons exceeding eighty (80) minutes in length. Transportation of youths to wholesome recreational facilities involving mass ordnance, “paintball.” Sincere attempt to speak in tongues. Result: vocation diagnosed as sitting on floor with persons who need to cry, enfolding shaky hands in hand sandwiches. Core competency identified as adverb-dense essays on inability to lose fondness of Almighty God. Extended prayers at family Thanksgiving given FDA black box warning for risk of localized salmonella outbreak. Sympathy for heathens and heretics neither treatable nor curable. Occupational opportunities limited. Employment secured at cat shelter. Mother appeals to rumors of “mysterious ways.”
VI.
Age 35: recruitment of cool boy to altar. Terms of employment: unlimited right to renovations in exchange for activation of “unconditional” switch. Neon clothing surrendered on charges of surplus exuberance. Diabetes management transferred to supervisory spouse. Vegetarianism voided. Thanksgivings assigned to cool family. Singing quarantined to automobile, windows up. Cat sanctuary diagnosed as domain of dotards. Silk daisies and systematic theology texts determined expendable. Prose silenced for saccharin content. Naivete and cursive monitored. Films featuring female head trauma assigned. Result: circuit breakers tripped. Animals uneaten. Research required into definition of word “unconditional.” Mother re-purchases safety orange parka on condition that it be worn to family Thanksgiving. Extended prayers recommissioned.
VII.
Age 41: rib returned to cool boy. Seminary reunion attended, including benediction by actual bishop over Almighty God’s secret agent at cat shelter. Unabridged oeuvres of Willie Nelson and Salt-N-Pepa sung in kitchen. Psalms submitted incognito to literary journals. Candles inserted in cupcakes. Bubbles blown. Daisies acquired in excess. Result: quest for Holy Grail discontinued. Gratitude expressed.